till there was me

rent

2006-12-10T22:15:00.000-05:00

"There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today"

"take me for what i am
who i was ment to be
and if you give a damn
take me baby
or leave me"

"So with a thousand
sweet kisses If you're cold
I'll cover you And you're lonely
With a thousand
sweet kisses
I'll cover you You've got one nickel only
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
When you're worn
out and tired With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
When your heart has
expired"

"five hundred twenty five thounsand six hundred minutes,
five hundred twenty five thounsand journeys to plan,
five hundred twenty five thounsand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man,
in truths that she learned,
or tears that he cried,
in bridges he burned or the way that she died,
its time now to sing out though the story never ends,
lets celebrate remember a year in the life of friends,
remember the love,
remember the love,
remember the love,
measure in love,
seasons of love,
seasons of love."

are they real?

2006-12-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

tell me

2006-09-11T00:20:00.000-04:00

my horoscope said that there'll balance in my life right now...that all my efforts are starting to pay-off... what the f***!

i'm feeling shit right now. excuse me for the word, but it's true. i am alone. my family have their own family. i have no friend. nobody wants me or needs me. i can die right at this moment and nobody will even notice.

it's so easy to blame everything with my hormones, but this is reality. my supposed to be close friend, doesn't want me around and my best friend ditches me out like hot potato.

gee, what's wrong with me?

the day he left me

2006-07-14T08:58:00.000-04:00

i have a notebook calendar in my office and when i turned the page for today i saw this:

The day HE left
1. do is still love him?
2. How am i coping?
3. Have I moved on?

then i remember, this was the day, a year ago, that he gave me his farewell letter and here's the answers to my own questions:

1. do i still love him?
-of course. i can't find any words to explain why i still love him. i miss him so much. he's in my thoughts rain or shine, day and night.

2. how am i coping?
-i am coping by spending time with friends and cosmo. i stopped listening to his mushy voice messages (i recorded his voice messages coz the bad side of me wants to send the tape to his #$#% wife so she'll know that HE LOVED ME)

3. Have i moved on?
-yes, but not totally.

July 4th of 2006

2006-07-05T23:21:00.000-04:00

went to central park, watched the devil wears prada, went to ground zero, then to coney island. i'm just too tired to elaborate, but that's the sequence of how i spend my 4th of july this year.

_______
speaking of central park, i love that place! there's several things i wanna do in central park (aside from walking):

1. i want to play frisbee. then after a very tiring game, just lay on the grass and sleep.
2. i want to blow bubbles. (hopefully, it won't attract unfriendly dogs)
3. i want to ride the swing.
4. i want to draw the place. i can imagine myself doing abstract of many beautiful spots in the park. (abstract - coz i really can't draw! lol!) for me, the beauty of nature is a great inspiration for a subject. the clouds, sun rays, trees, rocks, birds, fishes, dogs, kids, joggers, etc. and i will color them also - dark and bright hues.

****
just thinking of these things, i can't help but think about you. i know, you would love to do them with me.

maybe... just maybe...one day ... even for just one day...

"i believe in love
i believe in you
i believe in eveything
the two of us can do."

my cassava

2006-06-15T23:16:00.000-04:00

something weird happened to me today. weird because i don't have my period to blame it to.

last night, i saw a very sumptuous slice of cassava cake in our kitchen table. i got off from work around 11pm and i'm so tired that i just promised that i'll have that slice the following day- which is today.

after work, i went to my part-time job to pick up my paycheck and still thinking of my cassava cake, i was also in the mood to do some food shopping for our house.

after stacking all my groceries, i was so ready to prepare my dinner. pancit canton, 2 buns, banana, green tea, and of course my cassava cake. then i openned the fridge. the moment i realized that the cassava cake is nowhere to be found, i panicked, then tears fell from my eyes. i was so disappointed. i can't really explain what i was feeling that moment. i just cried. i called my friends, kiko and anna. they gave me temporary consolation. the moment i hang up the phone, i cried. i searched for cassava cake in ALL Filipino stores in our town. i am not exaggerating...i really did. After two hours of searching, i went home empty-handed. i cried in our backyard. i talked to cosmo, our dog. i was calling my mom in between sobs. then i think i fell asleep coz i was slouching in my chair when my step mom called me.

i don't want to face her with my tears-stained eyes. i told her, i was playing with cosmo. then i went straight to my room. when my dad arrived, i asked him if there really was a slice of cassava cake last night, or am i just dreaming. i cried while asking him. i could tell that he's so worried coz i guess this is the first time he saw me cry. (i didn't cry to him when michelin made a fool out of me). he asked if something happened. so i told him that i've wanted to eat cassava cake. and he laughed and tapped me on my neck. i guess he was relieved that it's nothing serious. but it's serious to me. i was even thinking not to go to work tomorrow coz i was really upset.

then my dad made a call to his friend where they got the cassava cake last night. and fortunately, they still have some left. ten minutes later, alas, i got my cassava cake. my dad and i was laughing so hard. he said i really scared him when he saw me crying. while my step mom said that i'm like a pregnant woman that's craving for food.

i was sooo relieved. i love my daddy.

a great memorial weekend and a not so good day after...

2006-05-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, kiko and I watched X3:The Last Stand. I am still not over seeing how Prof X died and it was so touching hearing Magneto say "charles..." i almost cried on that scene! whew!

after the movie, we had lunch then went to Metropolitan Museum of Art. It's a huge museum. i like their collection of religious paintings and sculptures. I was amazed with their Egyptian Exhibit - Pharaohs, tombs, hieroglyphics et, al. I was just frustrated coz i cannot touch them. Oh my! how hard it was NOT to touch them! (touching it will be like feeling "history.")

After touring for 2 hours and walking for 40 blocks under a very humid weather condition, we decided to just sit and relax in battery park (which is 80 streets down under!). But having a very spontaneous friend...you'll never ran out of something to do. kiko thought of going to the Statue of Liberty. But the closed doors of the ticket booth didn't hinder him to stay put, but instead, he looked for an alternative and saw the "water taxi." It is a one-hour drive around hudson river (passing Liberty and the ellis island) and the east river. I was hesitant at first because it was already 5:30pm and i want to go home early...just for the sake of being early. another reason...i've never been into a ferry. never. so i don't know what to expect. i was a little bit scared coz i don't know how to swim and i was already thinking of the worst that could happen while we're in the middle of the river. first, i will tell myself not to panic. Then i will allow myself to sink in the water and i'll just let God decide what will happen next. weird, but i'm ready to die that moment. (i even told kiko to save my cellphone first!)

well, obviously, nothing bad happened. except for my first steps towards the ferry, everything was just so good. i actually enjoyed the whole ride. my first ferry ride.

it's a great day. at least i got something to tell my officemates about my weekend. not the usual "normal weekend" kind of thing.

After bragging about my ferry ride experience, unfortunately, the aftermath was felt/reflected in the tall pile of files to work on. It's definitely not a good sight.

marathon

2006-05-23T14:02:00.000-04:00

1. Sleepwalker killing
2. The Frighteners
3. Stir of Echoes
4. Prime
5. Guess Who
6. Yours, Mine and Ours
7. Munich
8. Last Holiday
9. Winter Passing
10.Clawed
11.When a Stranger Calls
12.March of the Penguins
13.Big Momma's House 2
14.Pride & Prejudice
15.Kicking and Screaming
16.Family Stone
17.The Others
18.Frankenstein
19.American History X
20.Closer
21.Brokeback Mountain
22.Walk the Line
23.Life of St. Therese
24.Saving Private Ryan
25.The Golden Girls (season 1, 2 and 3)

i've watched these during my one week stay in Illinois. with my feet up in the couch and my mom constantly serving SO MUCH food...this is how i spent my very relaxing vacation.

But it never helped me forget about him....

this is it...

2006-04-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

"it's now time to make a change
just relax, take it easy.."

my strength

2006-04-12T21:02:00.000-04:00

"the heart has its reason that reason does not know."
- B. pascal

_____
remember last year, we were so cold while watching the sunset in central park but your hand on mine kept me warm and made everything just fine...you and me..it was so perfect. i felt so peaceful next to you.

cosmo

2006-04-11T12:48:00.000-04:00

cosmo is my new playmate. (actually he is my dad's pet.) he is a 2 month-old maltise. he is also my exercise buddy. we walk around the house (he doesn't want to walk on the streets yet) and we play tag (that i end up with lots of bruises!). he is my stress reliever.

sometimes it's funny that i call him by michelin's name! i am just too fond of him!

questions...

2006-03-23T20:57:00.000-05:00

S W E A R - T R U T H F U L L Y
do you love someone? - YES
do he/she know it? - YES
simple or complicated? - COMPLICATED

IN - THE - PAST - MONTH - HAVE - YOU
Bought something? -YES
Gotten sick? - NO
Been hugged? - NO
Talked to an ex? - I WISH!
Missed someone? - TERRIBLY
Failed a test? - NO
Ate cereal? - NO, AND I NEVER WILL
Gotten your hair cut? - NO
Nervous habits? - NO

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R
Said "I Love you"? and mean it? - ALWAYS
Given money to a homeless person? - NO
Smoked? - YES
Waited all night for a phone call? - YES..AND STILL WAITING...

M A N N E R S
Do you swear? - YES
You cook your own food? - YES
You like pepsi or coke? - COKE
You own a cat? - NO
You spend your money wisely? - NO
Do you like to swim? - NO
When you get bored do you call a friend? - YES

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R
flowers or angels? - BOTH
gray or black? - BLACK
Color or black and white photos? - COLOR
hook up or love? - LOVE
sunrise or sunset? -SUNSET(in central park with Michelin-THE BEST!)
M&Ms or Skittles? - SKITTLES
jazz or classic? - CLASSIC
staying up late or waking up late? - BOTH
being hot or cold? - HOT
Winter or Fall? - FALL
left or right? -RIGHT
having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friend? -2 BEST FRIENDS
sunshine or rain? - SUNSHINE
vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? -MIX
boys or girls? - GIRLS

P E R S O N A L
kissed someone in the past month? -NO
have u ever wanted to die? - YES
have u ever thought of killing someone? - NO
got in a fist fight? - NO
single or in a relationship? - IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PAST
ever been in love? - YES
thought about getting married? - NOT SURE
want to have kids? - YES

T H E - L A S T
person u have hugged: MICHELIN
person u have kissed: MICHELIN
person u talked to on the phone? -KIX
drink? - GREEN TEA
ate? - PANCIT CANTON

it's been a while

2006-03-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

yeah, i was not in the mood to blog lately. As usual, i'm feeling depressed and alone. i don't know if this is really due to my hormones or i am just a freak!

i gained 15 lbs and i'm now over my "ideal weight." i wouldn't care if my dad hadn’t made a comment that I’m getting bigger and that my arms are getting wider! So now, I started to diet and exercise. After work, I’m spending at least 15minutes in the treadmill, I don’t eat after 6pm and I only eat salad and south beach cereal bars. I also started taking green tea pills to have faster metabolism. And most of all…I now sleep early to have 8 hours of sleep! The bad news = I started smoking. I don’t know why, but I got the urge to smoke. I’m trying to limit two sticks a day (at lunch time). I know it’s bad and I’m having headaches from it. Maybe I’ll just finish the packs that I bought. (I intend to buy one pack, but the lady insisted for me to grab the promo of buy 2 get one free).

Last year, it is during this time that I fell in love with him. I love you still.

ang pag-ibig nga naman

2006-02-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

i am inlove. i love the way he looks at me. i love the way he smiles at me. i love the way he holds my hand.

i got this article from fay...and this explains what i really feel right now...

ang puno't dulo ng pag-ibig
by Gmajor7, www.peyups.com

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.

Ang labo di ba? Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya.

Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama'y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto.

Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko.

Pero wala pa rin akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

wrong start?

2006-02-24T16:41:00.000-05:00

first, there's stampede in ULTRA, next landslide in Leyte, and now Declaration of State of Emergency due to coup attempt...what's next?!!!

brokeback

2006-02-20T22:48:00.000-05:00

OMG! i love brokeback mountain!

the movie really touched me. love is really so powerful that it is even beyond gender. the love that Jack and Ennis have is so deep that even in a span of twenty years they still carry the same love that they have even though they only see each other once or twice a year and they have their own families already.

I still believe in love.

chickboy!

2006-02-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

so natural

2006-02-15T15:57:00.000-05:00

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.

Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.

You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!

People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

so natural that i was even clueless why he's so inlove with me... *love you michelin*

huwaaat???

2006-02-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

after my horrible experience, i don't want to think of marriage anymore. i thought i have the right person to spend the rest of my life with. i thought we're already serious that we'll fight our love till the end. but it ended as if he's just pressing the off button of his remote control..so sad...

a friendly ex

2006-02-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.
(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)
While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

What Type of Ex Are You?

i am a very friendly ex. you know why? because i want him to realize what kind of fool he is for letting me go.

heart's day

2006-02-14T01:40:00.000-05:00

i once asked kiko...why do we have to have Valentine's Day? and i will never forget his reply, "that's for someone miserable to be more miserable."

well, that's me.

i also saw in fay's blog, she wrote, "valentine's day is for jaded, single, available people who write in their blogs how horrible valentine's day is for them."

it's true. it's already 2am and i am writing this to express how horrible valentine's day for me is. not because i am single, but because i can't be with the person i need and want to be with.

drama mode: off

i'll never get over you getting over me...

2006-02-13T14:58:00.000-05:00

saw this from kiko's blog

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

i will only have one true love - where are you????

scarred from past relationship - very true

i expect a lot from my lover- very true.

able to walk away and calm down - very true, i hate vulgar confrontations

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go. - so UNTRUE!!!!

i am here writing this and still thinking about him. it's been a year since he first gave me flowers. i could still remember how he looked when he told me he has something for me in his car. i could still remember how i felt when i saw the white roses...i was so surprised and speechless coz at that time we were "just friends." February 13, 2005 - i guess it all started that day. i know from that day on that i was (and still am) special for him.

in a bad mood

2006-02-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

I am such in a very bad mood. I don't know. I just don't feel good. I always feel irritated. I am going through emotional breakdown.

Self-pity mode on.
I blame myself that my brother is not here with me. I should have not agreed to come here without him. I should have not told him how miserable I am living with my step mom. And now, there's nothing I can do to convince him to try living in USA. Just try. But he already made up his mind. He doesn't want to. It doesn't help that my mom relies on me to convince him. I can only do so much. I still feel that it's my fault.

I am bored in school, bored at work, bored with my life.

i'm bored

2006-01-31T11:09:00.000-05:00

so bored...

amusing!

2006-01-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

got this from ken2ts

i will

2006-01-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

KEEP ON LOVING YOU (Reo Speedwagon)

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was something missing
You should've known by the tone a' my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen
You played dead, but you never bled,
Instead you lay still in the grass, all coiled up and hissing

And though I know all about those men
Still I don't remember
Cause it was us, baby, ready for them
And we're still together

And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you, I meant that I'd love you forever
And I'm gonna keep on loving you
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on loving you

And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you, I meant that I'd love you forever
And I'm gonna keep on loving you
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on loving you
Baby I'm gonna keep on loving you
'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on loving you

i still can't

2006-01-17T11:50:00.000-05:00

"i am going to let you go for now. i'll try to move on. but as i said before..i will always be here...as long as i don't see any wedding ring...i will still hope and pray that God will lead you back to me."(May 09, 2005)

and still waiting...

...it's just so hard to move on.

we'll see each other again

2006-01-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

tetchie, me and angela

my first real friend in new jersey-tetchie- will be moving out of the country with her husband and daughter. they'll move to kuwait where fady, tetchie's husband, is curently working. i feel sad. sad for her because even though she's not new in Kuwait (she used to work there), it will still be different. sad for her parents, for they'll going to miss her and angela - their first granddaughter. sad for me coz i would not have a place to go (without spending) when i don't want to go home yet. i would surely miss her pancit canton- my favorite! it will surely be different once they're gone. i would not see angela grow. at one point, i envy tetchie. she has angela. i know being mother changed her. she became stronger and she has now the compassion of a mother that's sometimes so hard to comprehend.

i honestly don't want to go to the airport with them. it will be hard to see them go.

where it all began

2006-01-12T09:38:00.000-05:00

I had a dinner in COACH last night with kix, tetch, fady(tetch's husband) and angela (tetch's daughter and my goddaughter). the place is so memorable coz that's where my undying love story began...

it was raining. we were dismissed in school early. in times like this, we always want to go someplace to maximize the time that we can spend together (instead of going straight home). He was so hungry that time that he can devour me - hahaha! well anyway, he always wanted to take me to place i have not been into..that's why he decided to take me to COACH. After our dinner, i was really worried coz it's already passed 10:30pm - my curfew! it's still raining hard so we waited a little bit. while waiting, he kept staring at me..memorizing every details of my face. i knew that i love him then...but of course i still have my reservations. we couldn't wait till the rain stopped coz its nearing 11pm already. so he walked me in my car with his umbrella(he is so diligent in bringing umbrella and jacket). when we reached my car, i looked at him to say goodnight..but he just kept staring at my face and he said to me, "can i kiss u?" i think, i was frozen for the moment. it's just either yes or no but i was totally spaced out. next thing i knew, the world had stopped revolving. something's telling me that there's no turning back. the moment was so magical just like a scene on a romantic movie. i hugged him tight... i had let him in.

and so that how it all started. last night was also raining and i can't help but reminisce that very special moment of my life. i can't just forget it. i'll never will.

movies, vodka and the year that was

2006-01-03T16:11:00.000-05:00

my holiday weekend was spent watching movies in theatres(Memoirs of a Geisha, Harry Potter(3 times), King Kong, Chronicles of Narnia) and also in dvds (National Treasure, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Star Wars, and How to lose a guy in 10 days)while engrossing vodka, chips and chocolates with kiko

and to commemorate kiko's 1st new year in New Jersey (though we originally planned to go to times square in NY) i am saving this empty bottle of vodka. ( yan kiko, hindi na down the trash ang ating first New Year together! hahaha!)

____

the year 2005 was a roller coaster ride of emotions for me.

January. I was accepted in Nursing Program and i was really elated and overwhelmed specially whenever we have clinicals. i enjoyed what i was doing.

February. an old flame ended and a new one had bloomed. i was so happy just seeing him.

March. spent my spring break in California with my mom, sister kathryn, step dad and my brother who was really hesitant in coming here. the new love is blooming just fine - a very promising one.

April. the new romance was shaken-off a little bit. the person who was not supposed to know about the relationship discovered it and tried to put an end on a very happy union.

May. true love prevails.

June. kiko's first visit in New Jersey. so amazed to see "starry, starry night" of Van Gogh in MOMA, my first to watch off-broadway show in NY - "i Love You, You're Perfect Now Change," my first to ride in a subway.

July. spent my 4th of July in Canada and my post 4th of July in Chicago. In July 12, i was assaulted by my boyfriend's partner in our school's parking lot then i filed criminal charges the following morning. hopeful that he'll fight for "our love."

August. off to Colorado to seek comfort. i was emotionally devastated. my first time in Six Flags (Denver) and in Kansas.

September. my attacker pleaded guilty of assault. i was very traumatized with the experience. and i concluded that life was not really fair. i lost faith in love.. but still hopeful that he'll be back...

October. was able to create "bubble" out of the bubble gum. the disadvantage of this is that i kept on practicing..even at work! i began to lose faith...and had thought of ending my life to end my "misery." Reyan saved me.

November. had my 2nd ear pierce. got depressed for not able to greet him on his bday.

December. i celebrated my 25th birthday. got depressed cause he failed to greet me. i failed Nursing 282 which hinders me to go to the next level of Nursing. i have to wait Sept 2006 to continue Nursing. i am still hoping that he'll do something to make me feel that i still have his love.

____
this year, i'll do my best to move on and try to enjoy life.

20 Random facts

2006-01-02T23:07:00.000-05:00

tagged by con

1. i love purple

2. i hate yellow gold jewelries

3. i don't like red roses. i prefer peach roses and i certainly love purple roses.

4. i smoke when i am really frustrated (except if my parents and "some friends" are around)

5. i go for guys with fair complexion(though sometimes love is really blind) a good cook is a plus.

6. i am a bisexual.

7. i am single and still TRYING to enjoy it. i always needed somebody -other than my family- to give my affection and attention. ( i also missed singing lullabies over the phone.)

8. i am always 10mph over the speed limit.

9. my first ambition is to be a canossian sister.

10. i had a painless root canal. i love to visit my dentist at least twice a year.

11. i like smirnoff ice + buffalo wings

12. i sleep under the comforter no matter what the season is.

13. i can stay up late watching Filipino shows over the internet (specially Little Big Star, Star in a Million, The Buzz, Vietnam Rose, Goin' Bulilit and ASAP Mania)

14. i take midol two days prior to my anticipated (and dreaded) "first day"

15. i used to join singing contests when i was in elementary and high school.

16. i like receiving personal letters.

17. i don't eat vegetables (except lettuce)

18. i envy people who can swim. at 25, i still want to learn how to swim.

19. I joined Christ's Youth in Action (CYA) because of my crush (who was our chapter leader and 3 yrs my senior) and he's the first guy who broke my heart at 17.

20. i am so easy to be fooled.

monday morning

2005-12-19T08:59:00.000-05:00

i had an unusual monday morning. i am still a little grumpy(like most mondays), but i managed to get out of the bed at 7am, eat my breakfast, shower and had time to fix my hair.

last night, i had a YM conversation with fay and she stressed to me the importance of having a positive outlook for the coming year. i realized, nobody can really help me but me. i admit, i stopped "living" for sometime. except if dragged by friends, i'd rather be home and stay in my "computer corner" or read and replay past text/voice messages. i was living the past.

so starting this morning, i made myself a promise to move forward...though i don't know how long can i make it through...but as always, i will never desert him...he will always be with me.

the day you left me

2005-12-14T08:53:00.000-05:00

it's been five months...and here i am...still lingering on names for our baby michelin. there's no single moment that i am not thinking of you...of us. i am hoping that you'll always be true with your promise...

"i really, really love you til my last breath...though i may not be with you now, you are always with me...PANGAKO..."(july 14, 2005)

and now...

2005-12-13T12:44:00.000-05:00

"I Hate Myself For Losing You"
by: kelly clarkson

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

FOR YOU...

2005-12-08T16:29:00.000-05:00

"I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left. I lived a few weeks while you loved me."

-Humphrey Bogart to Gloria Grahame, In a Lonely Place

senseless!

2005-12-06T12:55:00.000-05:00

below average logical Intelligence -very true! hahaha! no wonder!

Your IQ Is 95

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average

Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

can't be!

2005-12-05T16:42:00.000-05:00

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

it's never too late

2005-12-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

I thought my bday is going to be ignored again for the second time. It’s no big deal (yeah right…!) that nobody in the office remembered to greet me, just like last year. I am getting used to be forgotten lately. But I was wrong. They’re supposed to surprise me Friday, but they decided to postpone it till my supervisor is back from her vacation (which is today). They gave me a birthday card and a gift certificate from one of my favorite local boutiques.

They wished me a better year ahead. They witnessed how I was broken and they can’t just help but be a mother hen to console and protect their youngest chick!

And I am thankful for that.

the day after

2005-12-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

i am 25 years old! whew! a quarter of a century!

my mom was the first to greet me. some friends forgot cause they always thought that my bday is on dec 5th - the day when i celebrated my 18th bday (in the philippines)

i worked in my part time from 12.30-5pm then i picked up my cake and then i rushed to go home to help my stepmom prepare the table. my guests started to arrive at 6pm. it was fun, but tiring. too bad i am not a good host. i was not able to entertain all of my guests.

_____

i am so tired from the party yesterday that i did not get up from my bed until it's 10am! and guess what? it's snowing! i am not sure if it's a good sign for my 1st day of my 25th year. i then, when i looked at the mirror, i noticed some white strands of my hair. whew! sign that i am really getting old!

i'll post some pictures as soon as i have them.

Thank you to all those who greet me

not a single "missed call" or text from him...

the day before

2005-12-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

i am still sad. this will be my first time to celebrate my birthday, but something..or somebody is missing. i was so busy preparing..or ordering the food and sending invitations, but i can't invite the person i want the most to be with on my birthday. don't get me wrong... i am glad to be surrounded with my family and friends... but it just feels so incomplete..for i am missing him....

my Michelin...

me and my bed

2005-11-28T08:57:00.000-05:00

got this survey from GEL

1) How many pillows do you sleep on?
i have 2 pillows under my head and a body pillow that i snug on.

2) Do you sleep in the nude?
never! i can't imagine myself sleeping in nude.

3) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
do i sleep with stuffed animal? lol in my case, the question should be "how can i sleep in my bed with ALL those stuffed animals?"

4) Do you use a top sheet?
i use top sheet for my feet.

5) Do you fall asleep to the TV?
sometimes, if i'm tired

6) Do you remember your dreams?
sometimes yes, but can't remember the details

7) Do you sleepwalk? no

8) Do you snore? No

9) Do you braid your hair before going to bed?
i can't braid my own hair :( even if i can, i won't sleep with my braids coz i can damage my hair.

10) Do you wear socks to bed?
YES! specially during this time of the year...so freezing at night!

11) Do you hug and kiss your pillow (still)?
i hug them..but i don't kiss them.

12) Do you eat in bed?
i am not allowed to eat in my room

13) What size is your bed?
full size bed

14) Do your kids sleep with you?
no kids yet.

15) Are you a normal, light, or heavy sleeper?
i'll say normal

16) Do you have nightmares? YES

17) What's the best amount of sleep for you to feel good the next day/night?
it's enough for me to have at least 5 hours of sleep.

18) Can you see in the dark? No

19) Do you fantasize in your sleep? Sometimes.

interview with God

2005-11-21T20:36:00.000-05:00

i received a forwarded message from my sister...a very touching poem...

THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”

-author unknown

_____

you can visit the website, http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com and watch a very moving presentation

i know

2005-11-18T22:22:00.000-05:00

He loves me still. Thank you for not breaking your promise that i will always have you...

sigh!

2005-11-17T09:42:00.000-05:00

i feel sad...i don't know why...but that's my current "mood." i guess this kind of depression can be associated to what they call S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal depression, often called seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is a depression that occurs each year at the same time, usually starting in fall or winter and ending in spring or early summer. It is more than just "the winter blues" or "cabin fever."

Symptoms
People who suffer from SAD have many of the common signs of depression: Sadness, anxiety, irritability, loss of interest in their usual activities, withdrawal from social activities, and inability to concentrate. They often have symptoms such as extreme fatigue and lack of energy, increased need for sleep, craving for carbohydrates, and increased appetite and weight gain.

Symptoms of winter SAD include:

Fatigue
Increased need for sleep
Decreased levels of energy
Weight gain
Increase in appetite
Difficulty concentrating
Increased desire to be alone

(http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health-info/docs/2300/2361.asp?index=9293)

i have all the symptoms. i feel so sad driving in the dark at 5pm, i am gaining weight due to excessive intake of rice and chocolate cookies, i don't have the enthusiasm to talk to my dad about current events in the Philippines and i get easily irritated (quietly) whenever my dad is answering the questions in quiz show "Game KNB?" i also noticed that my sleeping pattern is changing. as much as i try to fight it...my body is forcing me to sleep at 11pm (i usually sleep around 1am).

sigh!

color everywhere

2005-11-09T12:55:00.000-05:00

i.n took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!
i.n's Existing Situation
Feels obstructed in her desires and prevented from obtaining the things she regards as essential.

i.n's Stress Sources
Disappointment and unfulfilled hopes have given rise to an anxious uncertainty, while doubts that things will be any better in the future lead to the postponement of essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, she is likely to immerse herself in the pursuit of trivialities as an escape route.

i.n's Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.

i.n's Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.

i.n's Actual Problem
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.

i.n's Actual Problem #2
Tensions and stresses induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities or reserves of strength have led to considerable anxiety, and a sense of personal (but admitted) inadequacy. She seeks to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free situation, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or contend with so much pressure.
Click here to take the test.

suddenly

2005-11-08T14:26:00.000-05:00

i suddenly feel sad. i don't know, maybe it was triggered when my co-worker mentioned she saw some christmas lights already. then i remember, i am going to celebrate christmas alone...again. i know i have my parents, but they're not really with me. we usually go to a family friend's house then i'll just stay in one corner watching tv or playing with their 10 year old daughter. i always feel left out.

suddenly...i have this feeling of having nobody to live for.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2005-11-04T09:08:00.000-05:00

"you're in my mind
almost all the time
every single minute all i do is think of you
and deep inside
in this heart of mine
i have to go on wishing till its time" (Til It's Time by Carol Banawa)

Happy Birthday! I wish you could feel my desire to greet you in your day. Let the gentle wind that blows in your face carry my tender kisses and the radiant sun convey the warmth of my love.

I will always be here...as promised.

2nd hole

2005-11-02T15:54:00.000-05:00

i got my 2nd pierce last oct 31 (a treat for me) and i am planning to have my third maybe middle of december...and a tattoo...

can't wait!

2005-10-28T08:42:00.000-04:00

in theaters on Nov 18!

i'll try

2005-10-19T08:55:00.000-04:00

i was so depressed the other night that i was so stupid to even think of the word "suicide." i was a strong advocate of "no to suicide" and i firmly believe that it's a selfish way of running away from problems. i never thought that i could be a victim of that thought. nevertheless, i am ok. i want to start a whole new life, just like starting a new page without smudges. but i know, as much as i want to forget, past experiences will serve as an indelible ink which will stay forever.

God touched me through my friend reyan who reminded me of the beauty of God's love and this serenity prayer...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

my make or test break? well, it's a break for me! i was upset, but life must go on. i failed, but i can do better next time - next year.

lonely still

2005-10-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

"lost and all alone...."

"i'll never get over you getting over me..."

it hurts so much that the person you love the most won't even share a smile...

i am so sad and so lonely.
_____
i had my third test, the make or break test. i did my best, i gave my all. whatever the result is...i'll accept it. what i can't accept is him ignoring me, as if we never shared something special before. as if i never became part of his life.

now i know why some people thought of and doing suicide. i now know how it feels, coz that's the way i feel right now. yes, i am stupid. but i can't lie the fact that i am hurting... yes, i am weak.

sad, lonely, stupid and weak.

Blow it!

2005-10-11T22:26:00.000-04:00

for 24 yrs...this is the first time i actually made it!

still lost

2005-10-05T15:35:00.000-04:00

i have to admit... i am still depressed over a lost love. i can't accept the fact that he left me. His words still echoes..

"i love you more than my life and i will never love the way i love you."
"no matter what happens, i am doing this coz this is the right thing to do..not because i want to."
"i am letting go of my happiness...that's you. you are my only happiness, remember that."
"you are my first love. i never know love until i met you."
"i'll carry this love for you until my last breath."

After nearly three months, i still can't figure what happened. i can't move on cause i still believe that he's coming back.

well after browsing some pages in the internet, i saw this love advice by a well known love guru in the Philippines...(i change the name as if the letter is adressed to me.)

Dear i.n.,

It’s sad but true that love doesn’t always have a happy ending. There are times when we ask ourselves why we have to find love only to lose it. Sometimes, God’s reasons for taking someone away from us are difficult to understand, but we have to trust his wisdom in making things happen for a good reason.

Your friend tried to distance himself from you but you were probably just so much in love that you never really saw where you were headed all the while. You were sharing him with his legitimate girlfriend and you know that one day he would have to choose just one. He would have to break someone’s heart, and he broke yours.

Shared moments with someone we love can truly be a wonderful experience, but sometimes it becomes not a question of belonging but a question of the right to belong. Even if it feels so right to be with him, he is still very much committed to his girlfriend and that doesn’t put you anywhere nearer where you are now.

i.n, when we love a person, it brings out the best in us. When that person stops loving us and we still choose to continue to love that person, we become miserable because it is like running a race in the opposite direction. The more we love, the more we are drawn away from reality.

i.n, there is always a reason why people hurt us and make us cry. It is always part of a learning process that would make us better persons. Stop looking back for love that may make its way back. It wouldn’t be coming from behind. It would always be there in front of you. If you miss it, then move ahead for even in love’s greatest tragedies, there is always a promise of hope—that of finding love again and keeping it for eternity.

do the math

2005-10-04T15:53:00.000-04:00

62, 62, __?__ = 75 (75%) exam 1, 2 & 3

__?__ = 75 (25%) final exam

76% final grade

blah

2005-09-30T08:36:00.000-04:00

i can't believe that my clinical professor was nowhere to be seen yesterday! i stayed late for nothing! anyway, the good thing is she'll never know that i am not done yet with my care plan!
___
it's friday! geez...i can't wait to have a really good sleep tonight.

tomorrow

2005-09-29T09:01:00.000-04:00

i am freaking out! i am lazy, disorganized, laid back, irresponsible and a procrastinator.

i surrendered my eyes to sleep around 1:30 am and i set my alarm at 4am for me to finish the nursing care plan and process recording that are due today. 4:30 came, i woke up and just went back to sleep. at 6:30 i pushed myself up to finish atleast ONE! and i did (so proud!)! sometimes when i cram, my brain just doesn't work right. last night, i was trying to put lines across my columns in MS Word. i spent at least an hour to edit... but was unsuccessful. this morning, while staring at my monitor...i saw the feature "autoshapes-line" and i almost hit my head in the monitor. stupid me!

well, i am contemplating whether to lie that i left the nursing care plan (which i was not able to finish..i have not started yet!) and i'll bring it tomorrow (we don't have class tom) or just tell straight to my professor that i am not yet done and i'll just hand it late. my prof's nice..maybe i'll just go with option B. It's my fault anyway.
____
i've been to this situation sooo many times that i just never learned my lesson! i kept on delaying things, pushing for tomorrow. what if there's no tomorrow? i'll be doomed!

tagged by fay!

2005-09-27T10:32:00.000-04:00

SEVEN
(this reminds me of the movie SEVEN...)

Seven things you like the most:
1. purple
2. blogging
3. staionaries (like pads, envelopes, pens, etc)
4. side A
5. 80's
6. buffalo wings
7. sanrio

Seven important things in your bedroom:
1. my bed
2. computer
3. brutus (my body pillow)
4. my blue star shapped magic pillow
5. pardx (pink small version of my body pillow)
6. mirror
7. clothes in my closet

Seven random facts about you:
1. i have burned tongue from drinking newly brewed coffee (lasing kasi!)
2. i have thick eyebrows
3. i am an idealist when it comes to love
4. i am not good financial analyst
5. i am not a good analyst of a man's character (in short tanga!)
6. i love to sing
7. i hate red roses - they're so "normal"

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. visit St. Peter's Basilica in Rome
2. learn how to swin
3. learn to play guitar
4. go on a cruise
5. live on my own
6. watch mariah in a concert
7. make someone happy

Seven things you can do:
1. shower while on the phone
2. stay calm even when i am angry
3. stay online not less than 5hrs
4. stay on the phone till 5am
5. sleep with the phone on
6. i can live
7. i can love

Seven things you can't do:
1. raise my voice
2. eat beef(except steak)
3. braid my hair
4. eat shrimp
5. swim
6. eat broccoli
7. whistle

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. eyes
2. hair
3. complexion (must be fair complexion)
4. nose
5. height
6. smile
7. dimples

Seven things you say the most and are known for saying:
1. e naman
2. sadya
3. tangi
4. pusang gala
5. nye
6. harharhar
7. o

Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign):
1. angelina jolie
2. drew barrymore
3. catherine zeta jones
4. harry potter (nalimutan ko name)
5. patrick garcia
6. hero angeles
7. ian veneracion

Seven people you want to torture to take this quiz:
1. mabait naman ako...kung sino man may gusto na walang magawa, e take nyo 'tong survey na ito...pampalipas oras.

random thoughts

2005-09-26T09:02:00.000-04:00

carpenter's "rainy days and mondays" is currently playing...

"Hangin around, nothing do to but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down"

funny is..IT IS currently raining and IT IS a monday!
_____

My sister was already discharged from the hospital, but she's still scheduled for her second colonoscopy. it is really important to eat right and to drink water.
_____

speaking of eating right, i am having chocolate cookies for my breakfast and WATER. at least i am drinking lots of water.

_____

i feel so down...

my mom & sis

2005-09-22T09:18:00.000-04:00

my mom called me this morning to tell me that my sister is confined in the hospital. her stomach is not functioning well and is constipated. the doctor already gave her three enemas and the dirt just won't go out. she can't eat for 3 days already. they put NG tube to feed her, but it just bloated her stomach more cause the food just sits in the intestine, accumulating. the doctors told my mom that they can't operate unless the stomach is clear. i could hear from my mom's voice how exhausted and afraid she is. my mom is a worrier...i guess every mom is. and i am worried for her. i could just picture her lighting cigarettes one after another, drinking coffee, searching the internet about the doctor's diagnosis and just stare at the wall.

last week i was jealous that my mom scheduled my sister's check up the same day of my court matter. everything was already planned that she'll come with me, but the night before the hearing, mom called to say that she can't make it. i was hurt; she could have scheduled my sister’s check up the following day. i thought she was just making excuses. i did not know it's really this serious.

i want to go to chicago, but i think it will cause more trouble to my mom arranging my flight, my arrival and departure then i could only stay for the weekend.

It just hit me...i am taking care patients in my clinicals, but i can't take care of my own sister. sad...

yun ang amin!

2005-09-20T16:23:00.000-04:00

dine lang po ang sa amin

tuwang-tuwa talaga ako sa google maps!

if you were mine

2005-09-20T10:20:00.000-04:00

by marcos hernandez

If you were mine,
I be your your everything
and you be the only thing
that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone
that you are the only one
that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
Everything I dreamed about
Everything that I talked about
One thing I can't live without
I wanna get closer to you
Can't stand being far away
Knowing that you don't feel the same way
Questioning bring tears to your eyes

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the
only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only
one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
All words I sing about
All that is that I write about
Only thing I wanna hear about
So that I can get closer to you
I know that there is someone else,
but he's only thinking of himself
Doesn't make any sense for you being lonely

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the
only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only
one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
Let me be the one to share your hopes and dream
You'll never be alone again, cuz' I will hold you in this day
Please don't be afraid to let your brokenheart guide you
Into these open arms that long to surround you, baby!!

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the
only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only
one that I could ever want

lakad lang

2005-09-16T15:51:00.000-04:00

napakirot ng tulang ire ang aking pusong hindi magkamayaw sa pagluha.

Kung Makita Mo Akong Naglalakad Mag-Isa

this is the moment

2005-09-14T19:57:00.000-04:00

"it's over and done
but the heartaches live on inside"

i was so aggravated in the court. the defendant's lawyer was trying to make a settlement and my parents won't agree to the settlement. honestly, all i want is for this case to be over. just plead guilty and i don't care what's the punishment.

i filed for an assault, but the lawyer was trying to convince me to lower my charge to simple disorderly conduct. the difference, $500 fine. i would have agreed if my dad did not intervene. so the lawyer said, i might win this case, but he'll open up in court my "affair" that he's going to drag all my shit out in the court. i'm not afraid, but what i am thinking is i don't need more stress. i am in the brink of crying. why is she making it hard for both of us. she assaulted me, plain and simple. the lawyer said, she might file harassment charges against me - which i have no idea how can she prove that i harassed her. my work and studies are already affected. i lleft work around 2pm and i need to skip lunch break to make up for my time. i was not able to go to my clinical class today. i feel bad. my dad convinced me that by agreeing to their plea, it's also showing that i am affraid of the possible charges and that i am hiding something. so i agreed to continue with my original charge. in the end, after i guess an hour of going back and front with the prosecution and her lawyer, she pleaded guilty of assault and was asked to pay a fine of $300 plus court charges.

i am upset with how the proceeding went through. it's good though that "he" did not appear with her. (he did not miss our clinical class-grrr!). i hope this is it. i am tired.

the test

2005-09-14T09:40:00.000-04:00

I did badly on our first test. As usual. No, this time, it is not ok. I studied hard, really hard. I start studying the time our first handout was given. So I know I was not lax. Unfortunately, the test was not just really hard…but really, really hard. When I heard my "A" classmates complaining...then it's confirmed that it was a really, really, really hard exam.

I want also to blame stress. Most of the time I am just spaced out, looking at my books blankly. It seems that my brain was not able to process the info I am feeding it coz it's full of other things. I am stressed at work. I may not be busy but some customers are really a pain. I am stressed out at home. My step mom and dad are not talking for almost a month and my sister in Chicago is sick. Most of all, my major stressor - him.

I am considering the thought of going to a psychologist. I badly need help. I want to understand what I am going through. Why do I still love him so much? After all that I’ve been through with him, I still carry this torch that one day, he'll be ready to fight for his "true love" and he will be back soon. my friends are right on saying the reason why i don't date coz i want to be available when that time comes. Why can't I see the lies? Because I feel that he is really honest. He just can't find the right time to tell me his real status; fate has done it for him.

The court matter is scheduled today at 3:30pm. i am going to see them both, probably hand in hand - and it will really, really, really hurt me so bad.

whatta!!!

2005-09-12T08:48:00.000-04:00

Christmas in September- who said that it's only in the Philippines?

the review

2005-09-10T20:30:00.000-04:00

my first exam is on tuesday.

SIDE A
this is how my bed looks like when i study. these are the books that we are currently using in class.

SIDE B

while these are books from my last semester class that i need to review and for reference purposes.

note that i am studying for just one subject! i am already overwhelmed with too much information. see...

hay

2005-09-09T09:39:00.000-04:00

I saw him smile last night...not at me. But I am happy. Happy memories rushed in my mind. It’s so nice to reminisce, but then...down on the memory lane, I will feel sad again...memories will dim and a question will surface - what went wrong?

I almost had a car accident (again!) last night. I was making my left turn when suddenly, I just saw a bright headlight on my right and a loud horn. I stepped on my gas then I continue with my turn. Looking at my rearview mirror, I saw the van still in the middle of the road. I don’t know why God kept on doing this to me. Though I am thankful that He always keeps me away from TOTAL harm, but I don’t like His way of reprimanding me. This is the THIRD time! He could just appear in my dreams, right? Well, anyway what can I do if he is always in my mind? I tried not to, but he still is and always will be.

My friends told me that I should be thankful that God took away the distraction in my studies. But the way I see it, God took away my inspiration.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to understand God’s rationale.

and...

2005-09-06T22:55:00.000-04:00

“Another day has gone

I'm still all alone

How could this be

You're not here with me”

bored and nervous

2005-09-06T16:42:00.000-04:00

I am bored, but nervous. Bored because I have nothing to do here at work; Nervous because I have class tonight. He is becoming a major stressor to me. I am always conscious if he’s near me, if I am near him, if he could see me, or if could see him. I am such a mess. I know I lost our friendship the day I filed the case against his wife. Not that I regret that move, but… I don’t want to lose him.

Many say that he is not worth it, but that’s not how I feel. If only I could turn back time-I would turn it back on the day that I went to Illinois for vacation. I won’t leave. I know it’s wrong to think this way. Oh well… there’s nothing much I can do but to live with what I have and not with what I lost…

I wish I could move time to September 14…that’s the set date for the case. I want to get over with it. I kept on thinking and visualizing what’s going to happen. I hate this feeling of uncertainty.

One thing is certain though, I love him.

Level II

2005-09-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

buti na lang hindi ako nagpatalo sa katamaran ko... i decided to attend my first day in class. masyado akong na-overwhelmed sa daming requirements ng course. hiningal nga ako matapos ko marinig sa prof ang mga dapat namin ma-accomplish for the course. kala ko tipong orientation lang gagawin...mali talaga ang mag-akala! nag lecture! maaga naman kami pinauwi...around 9:30pm.

pero all throughout the lecture e hindi ako mapalagay dahil alam kong nasa likod lang siya ng room. mas nauna akong dumating and as expected, hinanap siya sa akin ng mga classmates ko. ang hirap na wala akong maisagot kundi smile.

please help me convince myself na everything would be just fine...

lots of

2005-09-01T14:00:00.000-04:00

SHOWER ME WITH YOUR LOVE

(Surface)

My heart is filled with so much love
And I need someone I can call my own
To fall in love--that's what ev'ryone's dreaming of
I hold this feeling oh so strong
Life is too short to live alone
Without someone to call my own
I will care for you, you will care for me
Our love will live forever

(Chorus:)
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love that I long for
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love I've been waiting for

I close my eyes and pray all my wishes come true
Ev'ry night I go to sleep
Until you're mine, I'll wait for you endlessly
Can't you see
Fairy tales, they do sometimes come true
If you believe, it could happen to you
Like the stars that shine way up in the sky
Our love will live forever

(Repeat chorus)

Like the stars that shine way up in the sky
Our love will live forever
Live forever

(Repeat chorus)

Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love I've been waiting for

BER

2005-09-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

Christmas is just peeking on the corner..the first sign? its the start of BER month!!! not only that, it's also the 1st day of school...

i am very hesitant to attend my first day. my schedule- mondays and tuesdays, lecture and lab from 6-9:30pm then we're off campus for our clinicals on weds and thurs from 5:30-10:30pm. since our clinical has not started yet...so i have no clue where to go today.

another reason... i am going to see him again...i would feel awkward to be in the same room with him, not talking, not even a glance, surrounded with oblivious classmates. they say we should live our lives with no regrets... but i have one.. that is i have loved him too much. seeing him would relive the pain and tears would start to fall again. sad.

the worst..it's also the first day of my period and i feel very grouchy! argh! i did not have a goodnight sleep last night which made my morning not good also.

friday madness

2005-08-26T11:33:00.000-04:00

i've been taking Trivita(Vit B-12, B-6 and Folic Acid) for my short term memory and for 3 weeks that i've been taking it...i don't see any progress. i am still constantly missing things which are basically in front of me..or food that i already ate...or sometimes i forgot where i put my notes- notes to help me remember what i need to remember. here's what happened this morning in my office...

Mrs. A called and she said he's returning my call. 1st, i tried to look for her file...i forgot where i put it. after 10 mins, i found it in my own drawer. then i forgot the reason why i called her. my officemate told me i should make a note for myself..i know i did..the problem is i forgot where i put my note! after a long time digging on her file, i just decided to re-review it. after her call, i sat on my chair, i closed her file and guess what? i found my note- a sticky note- on top of her file folder!

soon..

2005-08-24T16:50:00.000-04:00

eto sana tattoo ko..black ung lines then red yung filling...

round the clock

2005-08-24T09:23:00.000-04:00

i slept around 7:30pm, woke up 1:30am and now i am here typing this, thinking what time will i sleep tonight.

colorado, kansas and kix

2005-08-24T08:35:00.000-04:00

the impulsive side of me decided to run away to colorado for a week. i also planned on having a tattoo on my right love handle. kiko prepared everything...except securing that i am going to have my tattoo before going back to jersey. I AM REALLY FRUSTRATED! 1st try, the tattoo shop was closed, 2nd try, no one was available. kahit anu pang sabihin ni kix na "it's not meant," e disappointed talaga ako. anyway, went to six flags in denver. i was so surprised to find denver so quiet. i enjoyed every ride though my bones were really shaking!

then went to Kansas to attend the wedding of kiko's cousin. nothin' much to see in Kansas, but fields. sad to say, i am starting to hate weddings. maybe bcoz of my recent incident..i lost trust in love.

here's the best part...spending a week with kiko, i discovered some of his traits which i undersestimated. first, he is dependable. scene 1: when we were leaving the motel in denver, i never thought he'll bring my bottle of water which is not even half-filled. here goes our conversation:

i.n.: iniwan mo tubig ko noh?
kix: hindi a. nasa bag.
i.n.: ows, talaga?!
kix: ito, hindi naman ako ganoon kasama
i.n.: malay ko, di ko naman sinabing dalhin mo tubig ko e.

scene 2: when we were getting ready for the wedding, kiko told me that he'll get our clothes in the van (we left our bags in the van so it wont smell lumpia, which kiko was frying) he put my clothes in the bathroom, then when i was changing, i also saw my purse which i never thought kiko would bring. my purse has my "accessories."

second, he loves his siblings so much. Too much that he won't even allow ME to help his dad on a long 8-hour drive going to Kansas.

third, kiko is punctual. eventhough he knew that some of his companions are not, pag sinabing 8am..8am tapos na talaga! kainis nga!

to summarize, may puso din ang kix!

one lonely woman

2005-08-10T09:33:00.000-04:00

i am sad
lonely
and depressed
but i know
i am not alone.

i am broken
shattered
hurt
lost
and i don't know
how
when
this ache will be gone.

how can you tell a heart
to stop beating
to stop looking
to stop its longing
for the lost love?

____
@#$@$@$** ang sakit!!!

this kiss

2005-08-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

got this from soul seeker

Your Kissing Purity Score: 60% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing
Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

another one from the same site...

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Part Shy Kisser

You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it
And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well
You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out
But you've got plenty of intensity in return

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

for me, its not sex but kissing is the most intimate way of showing affection to my significant other. hay....(daydream mode: on)

senti

2005-08-05T09:30:00.000-04:00

sabihin man na baduy...i watched "can this be love" just because of hero! nakakhinayang nga lang na nawalan na siya ng mga shows kaya di ko na siya napapanood sa tfc.

***

ang hirap itago ng nararamdaman. he's so near..yet so far. abot kamay ko lang siya pero nakakapasong hawakan. i can't help but think if he still loves me. iniisip pa ren kaya nya ako, the way i think about him? o baka naman naiisip nya ako hoping na i-drop ko yung case. ang sakit..sobrang sakit. namimiss nya kaya yung mga tawanan at kulitan namin. hinahanap-hanap pa ren kaya nya ang amoy ko at ang pagkanta ko sa kanya? how about our late night and early morning talks on the phone? i am sad, so sad. i am trying to move on...but i still can't. he betrayed me...he betrayed our love. we had perfect moments together. hay...all i have now are memories of how we love each other.

ilang beses pa kaya ako masasaktan?

***
amidst my tortured heart and mind.. i am still very thankful to have my family and to have so many supportive friends. they can never fill the love i am missing but they give me reason to believe that i still have a life to live...

stress and anxiety

2005-08-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

i know it's been a while since my last post. so many happened to me that made me realize i am no longer a child. i am a grown up lady with grown up problems-which i still believe is too heavy for me to handle. i am always confused and bothered if i am doing the correct thing. i have this strong fear of the Lord. i've fallen once and i told Him i'll straighten my life from then on. then i got this terrible problem...

i fell in love, he lied (unintentionally), i sued...

what is the boundary of kindness?

i kept on asking myself...is this what God wants me to do? am i not being too harsh? honestly, i am more concern with the law of heaven than of people. i may win the case in the court, but i am ruining one person's life - and that gives me guilty feeling...

on the other hand, i am doing this to regain self-respect that i've lost. i need to protect myself for further damage-physically and emotionally.

hay, life is so amazing!

after all

2005-07-25T08:37:00.000-04:00

after all the lies...i still love you.
i can't help but think about you...about us. how we used to be and what's ahead of us.
___
i think i had enough of heartaches that i am convinced(for now) that i am not bound to be married! i am still in a state of shock, i guess.

i'm back!

2005-07-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

it's such a nice feeling to be inlove and to be loved. ewan..damang-dama ko talaga kahit walang maniwala sa akin. hay! pangako...
______

just got-off from my shock... i'm now ready to stand for my rights. i have to do this for myself.
______

it's my first time to talk to a police officer...hindi ako masyado makasalita... ang cute. hehehe!

time after time

2005-07-16T12:04:00.000-04:00

chinese* pizza* sweet and sour* wraps* ice cream* fritos* parks* sun set* lib* swing* HHWWPSSP* polo* jacket* central park* payong* coat* boston* coach* ihop* chicago* teaneck* six flags* one look* one voice* one scent* thumb* pitik* kagat* broncho-vesicular snore...

_____
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear
What you’ve said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows you’re wondering
If I’m ok
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time

You said go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

(cyndi lauper time after time)

________
hate, absent
love, present
questions, lots of
answers, deprived of

at last!

2005-07-16T11:56:00.000-04:00

i received my copy at 9am! something to keep me busy..coz it seems that everybody has something to keep them occupied! move over micro...hehehe!

fallen again

2005-07-15T06:01:00.000-04:00

i wrote a poem, fallen, for 4183 and 3803...but i guess it's now a poem for me.

papitik naman...sa ilong...

a happy ending

2005-07-15T05:43:00.000-04:00

"i see you walking towards me, hair up, pearls and your smile. you are the most beautiful person"

i hope you are happy now. thanks!

a prayer

2005-07-14T11:40:00.000-04:00

dear God,

Thank you for all the blessings
you've been there for me through thick and thin
Thank you for giving me friends
who never gone weary
of taking care of me
thank you for my family
who loves me
unconditionally

dear God, i love him still
please guide him
comfort him
give him strength
to go through all his distress

we lovingly trust in you
we need you

fallen

2005-07-12T09:27:00.000-04:00

(4183)
my star had fallen so hard
from being the brightest
now had succumed to the corner
lifeless...

pretentions must die
honesty must prevail

one must let go
pain, hurt, betrayal, denial
love's not lost
past will always be treasured
one chapter must end
to go on to the next

II.(3803)
dying
will never equate love
it is in giving
that we find true love

II.(3803)
love cannot be forced
love cannot be denied
love has it's own ways
that man should never stop the pace

IV.(4183-3803)
if ever love will bring us back together
we can say that we're really meant to be
coz
we let go
no force
no pressure
no selfishness
just love
that has found it's way back home

V.(4183-3803)
if not
then let us be happy
to whoever
God has bind together

VI.
acceptance is the key
it will take some time
but we have to...

____
sorry pardx...

roar!

2005-07-11T21:14:00.000-04:00

a psyho is running around.... madapa sana sa paghabol!

till there was heartache again...

2005-07-11T10:18:00.000-04:00

amidst all my troubles...I diverted my attention to some other things. i've watch "the notebook." I don't know if the movie really helped me, but it made me believe that true love will find its way if its really meant to be.

i've read "five people you'll meet in heaven." it helped me understand that life is really not fair. some people have to sacrifice so others may live. I know, I just died again...and I don't know how many times do I have to die to really have the person who will made me live again.

right after I got home from the airport...I took a walk to get some air. it was my first time to do it alone. even my parents were surprised when I told them that I will just go out and walk around. I end up crying in the park. "nag emote” honestly, I want to die at that moment, but I thought of other people who got bigger "real" problems than me. I thought about my dream of dying with a purpose. if I am going to end my life now, people will just talk about how I wasted my life. that I didn't fight the good fight. through the breeze, God hugged me. He sent friends to comfort and accompany me. I am still confused and hurt, but I don't know why I feel calmed. I guess because I still believe in our love. It’s hard hanging on a cracked branch but I will.

You may say I am crazy…yea, crazy in love.

------

i am still working on this new template :)

tell me

2005-07-10T20:23:00.000-04:00

ano ba ito...after my blog na sure na ako...ikaw naman ang nang-iwan! tama ba yun? ipinaglaban mo nga ako..pero ano? hindi mo pa ren ako pinanindigan. ano pa ba ang gusto mong gawin ko? naghihintay naman ako a...bakit bigla kang bumaliktad? kung ako ba ang suicidal..iiwan mo pa ren ako? kung ako ba e papasagasa sa tren o mangsasagasa ng poste dito sa bergenfield...iiwan mo pa ren ba ako? sinabi mong mahal mo ako..naniniwala naman ako e at patuloy akong maniniwala...

masakit isiping nasa ganitong sitwasyon na naman tayo. sasabihin mong hindi mo siya kayang iwan dahil hindi mo siya kayang saktan. ano na lang ba talaga ako para sa'yo? ang hirap kasing tanggapin na nagmamahalan tayo pero isasakripisyo mo ang pagmamahalan natin para sa kanya. alam mo, madaming paraan...ayaw mo lang. takot ka.

magtitiwala pa ren ako sa'yo. kung ano man magiging desisyon mo... tatanggapin ko. basta sana lang, bago ka gumawa ng desisyon, isipin at damahin mo na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. saka love pa! hangga't hindi mo sinasabi sa akin...patuloy ang pakikipag laban ko sa pagmamahalan natin. sabihin mong maghintay ako...maghihintay ako. pero wag mo lang sana ako papa-asahin kung wala naman talaga akong hihintayin.

sa ngayon...hindi pa ren ako bibitaw...maghihintay ako

Maghintay Ka lamang by: ted ito

Kung hindi ngayon ang panahon, na para sa iyo
Huwag maiinip, dahil ganyan ang buhay sa mundo
Huwag mawawalan ng pag-asa, darating din ang ligaya
Ang isipin mo'y may bukas pa,na may roong saya

Kabigua'y hindi hadlang, upang tumakas ka
Huwag kang iiwas, pag-nabibigo
Dapat nga lumaban ka....

CHORUS:
Ang kaylangan mo'y, tibay ng loob
Kung mayrong pag-subok man
Ang liwanag ay di magtatagal,
At muling mamamasdan
Iko't ng mundo, ay hindi laging pighati't kasawian
Ang pangarap mo ay makakamtam,
Basta't maghintay ka lamang

sadya! sure na!

2005-07-08T10:47:00.000-04:00

ang pag-ibig ay sadyang ganyan
tiwala sa isa' isa'y kailangan
dati mong pag-ibig
wala akong pakialam (i'm trying)
basta't mahal kita kailanpaman

Huwag kang mag-isip ng ano pa man,
mga paliwanang mo'y di na kailangan...
at kahit ano pa ang iyong nakaraan,
mamahalin kita maging sino ka man.

Mahal kita, pagka't mahal kita
iniisip nila'y hindi mahalaga...
Mahal kita maging sino ka man.

Mali man ang ikaw ay ibigin ko,
ako'y isang bulag na umiibig sa 'yo
at kahit ano pa ang iyong nakaraan...
mamahalin kita maging sino ka man
(maging sino ka man by rey valera)

4th in Canada

2005-07-08T09:16:00.000-04:00

spent my 4th of July weekend in Toronto with family and some family friends.

Niagara Falls day time...

at night

we also went to what they say the tallest building in the world..the CN tower

the view from top

down under...the glass floors

i have not totally unpacked my things yet..but tonight, i will be bound to chicago at 8:25 to visit my mom and sister!

the alphabet

2005-07-01T09:24:00.000-04:00

A - Age of 1st kiss == 20

B - Band you are listening to right now == side a

C - Crush == michelin

D - Dad's name == Ruben

E - Easiest person to talk to == kix

F - Favorite ice cream == ube macapuno

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears == bears

H - Home town ==Lipa

I - Instruments == guitar (sana)

J - Junior high == De La Salle Lipa Unified School

K - Kids == yaddew

L - Longest car ride ever == 9 hours

M - Mom's name == Yolanda

N - Nicknames == i.n, ryan, angel, angela, ry

O - One wish == to be with bunso na

P - Phobias == fear of the unknown

Q - Quote == 1 Corinthians 13 "Love is..."

R - Reason to smile ==bunso

S - Song you sang last == "langit ang buhay, sa twing kita'y hahagkan..."

T - Time you woke up today == 5 a.m. pero tulog ulit...

U - Unknown fact about me == schizophrenic

V - Vegetables you dislike == name any vegetables...ALL

W - Worst habit == kept on changing my mind...

X - X-rays youve had == chest, teeth

Y - Your least favorite person == yung wife ni michelin

Z - Zodiac sign == Sagittarius

a proposal...

2005-06-30T16:11:00.000-04:00

(in Yahoo! Messenger)

r : tara sa vegas
r : pakasal din tayo trip lang
Angela: =))

hirap talaga ng walang magawa!

Alex, Rmzy and Her

2005-06-30T10:08:00.000-04:00

an old romance was rekindled...

i was busy organizing my mortgage procedure manual (they kept on changing it!) when the receptionist told me that there is somebody who wants to talk to a processor. at the back of my mind...my thought was "ang aga naman nito!" when i went to see the person, he really looks so familiar and i felt like i've known him a long time ago. and i was right! he is my first crush (na lalaki! hehehe!) here in US! we used to work together in a grocery store. he was the manager and i was a cashier. too bad, the branch closed in our area that he has to move to the other branch. he was (and still is)so nice. he has this angelic face that will really make you swoon when he flashed that perfect smile!

then i asked him about Rmzy(pronounced as Ramzy). he said he no longer works in the store. Rmzy was our floor manager at night shift. i used to hate him because on my first day, i spilled milk on the floor. he has no choice but to clean it himslef coz i have a customer. he gave me the look saying "stupid." since then on, i did my best to avoid him. but he is really charmer. as the old saying goes, the more you hate to more you..like.

yan, because of him i remember my first crush, my first infatuation and my frustration...

i had a great working relationship with the people in that grocery store that on my second month of working there, they started to drag me along whenever they go out. right from my first day there, i was fond of my front-end manager. she is so nice, so very nice. she's the one shielding me against the wrath of rmzy (madalas may topak kasi!). i never felt tired coz her smile is just enough for me to enjoy my work. then i realized, i fell inlove with her. pardx would even be jealous of her than to alex and rmzy. whenever there's an occasion or a holiday, i never failed to give her something. she appreciates every little thing i do. it really broke my heart when i learned that our branch is closing. i can't follow her to the other branch coz it's far from where i live. on our last day together, i gave her a ring...i hope she still have it...coz i still have the other one. i hugged her tight coz i know i would realy miss her.

on her birthday, i even called rmzy to fish for some info if she wanted something on her bday. i send her favorite orange roses at work! when she graduated from college i searched her address in the internet. i send her flowers and a graduation gift. but i never heard from her. (she knows my number) i was thinking maybe rmzy told her about my feelings coz she also started avoiding me in the internet. whenever i sign on, she signs out. she never replied to my emails and texts. then i just gave up...

oh well, they're now part of my past... what matters now is that i am supercalifragilisticexpialidociously inlove. sobra! love you bunso!

craving for...

2005-06-29T11:52:00.000-04:00

ICE CREAM!!!!

NY/NJ!

2005-06-28T23:53:00.000-04:00

this is the long over due story about kiko's visit here in NJ/NY...

Day 1, Saturday, June 11
he was supposed to arrive in NJ around 3pm...but due to whatever reason, he decided to make it earlier..at 11am! Funny thing is when kiko called to say that he's already in Newark Int'l Airport...I just laughed...and he knew right there that I'm late! (a fact that my friends had learned to accept about me!)

We went straight to a Filipino restaurant. Went home to drop kiko's things then ran off to watch mr. & mrs. Smith (grabe! Mahal ko na si Angelina!), had dinner in TGIF with my two other friends, tetchie and nese, then went home and watched Return of the King - which we didn't finish 'coz kiko is already snoring even before the first disc is done!

Day 2, Sunday
Went to Atlantic City. I have been to Atlantic City so many times before and whenever I go there, I kept promising myself to visit Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum along the boardwalk. But I never did..until kiko came along...naks! I was a little bored and frustrated until we reached the hanging bridge...it was freaking scary! So real...yet it's not!

Day 3, Monday
I was supposed to be at work and yet I found myself in the bus going to New York! Went to Modern Museum of Arts. OMG! I was overwhelmed to see "Starry Night" of Van Gogh. I want to touch it and feel it. I am not overacting...but my heart was really filled with joy and excitement. I want to cry. I could feel the passion of the painting.

me and van gogh's Starry Night

We also went to see a musical off-Broadway, I love you you'ree Perfect Now Change." The show was really so funny. I never laughed so hard in my entire life. Good thing there is a 15-minute intermission for me to catch my breath!

crowded New York City during the day ...

at night...and STILL crowded!

Got home past midnight...i was so worried to be reprimanded for being so late...but i was not..and it is my first!

Day 4, Tuesday
We left early coz there's a lot to cover for kiko's last day. Went to central park...a very huge Central Park. We skipped our plan to visit another museum and went to south seaport instead to see the statue of Liberty. Walked along Battery Park. I was quite disappointed coz Liberty is more visible in Liberty park in NJ! Then went to Union Park to meet with kiko's friend, rhodz.

central park

me and liberty at south seaport

me and kiko at south seaport

I am supposed to tour kiko...but as it turns out...it is the other way around...

It's my first to go to Ripley's, my first to go to a REAL museum and I've got to see starry night. It's my first to watch a "Broadway show" (though it is off-Broadway), my first to go to the seaport and last but not the least, it's my first to ride a subway not just once but...i guess at least 5 times in just one day!

i am not exaggerating, but i've never been into and seen SO MANY places in two days! Kiko! Lipat ka na dito!

till then...

2005-06-24T09:29:00.000-04:00

looking at my black coffee from dunkin' donuts makes me quiver. i never had black coffee since i was 17. i don't like its taste but i have to. i slept around 4am and woke up at 6am.

i want to blame my hormones for what's happening in me. one day i am elevated...the next day i'm down. one day i am so happy...the next day i am depressed. one day i am loving...the next day i am hurting...

i don't like this kind of love where i have to set aside what i want AND need to give way for what is right. but who defines what is right and wrong? the society's norms? morality? you? me? why do i have to suppress how i feel and what right do i have to suppress how HE feels?

It is really hard to comprehend love and the people inlove. I cannot even understand myself. Why can't I just free myself and express every love that I have? Because, the other side of me is saying...it is not time yet. It is not my turn yet. And when that day comes...with all my heart and soul...I will hold him forever...

I will be waiting bunso. i love you.

so inlove

2005-06-21T14:05:00.000-04:00

if i am going to die today..i'll die happy. not only i've seen the original "starry starry night" (story in a separate blog), but i've received this very pretty purple rose (with purple bear)! i'll never be bored in the office anymore...